Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it. Boothby Graffoe

Lunatic Trips

Back in 1992 Malcolm O’Neill (Active Earth Director) co-authored the popular guidebook Classic New Zealand Adventures with a group of his friends. This book was intended to inspire and motivate people to get out and enjoy New Zealand’s beautiful wild places and listed over 200 classic adventures. Among those adventures were a few that became known as the ‘lunatic trips’. People have always thought that New Zealanders were a little bit crazy (a kiwi pioneered commercial bungy jumping after all) and the following activities will do little to dispel this notion. So check out what some of us do in our spare time – maybe it will give you an idea or two for what to do in your next lunch break.

Lunatic Laddering

Ladder climbing is an indispensable skill used to obtain quick views of the less mountainous parts of Northland. This technique involves leaning a rung ladder up against absolutely nothing, then climbing as high as possible before it falls over. Coastal laddering in the surf (for whale watching, of course) is even more interesting. We feel laddering has potential as an Olympic sport so we look forward to seeing you there.

Night Riding

Why ride at night? Because the days are too short during winter, you want to ride a banned track without causing a ruckus, you got lost during a day ride, or because it makes a familiar track seem completely new. Whatever the reason, it's a creepy experience that really helps heighten all your senses. Sun type lights are manufactured specially for the job, you can use any old torch that has a halogen bulb and tape it to your handle bars or helmet. During a full moon you may not need a torch at all. The less powerful your light the more lunatic the ride will be! To night ride during the day simply put a paper bag over your head and carry on as usual.

Bridge Swinging

Bridge swinging involves connecting yourself to the centre point of a bridge with a long climbing rope (not too long!) and walking back along the bridge before leaping off and doing a giant adrenaline crazed swing. Bridge swingers need to be fully aware of the numerous technical limitations of their climbing equipment, especially of how quickly a sharp or abrasive edge can cut through ropes running over them. What to do once you are at the bottom of a rope, spinning at 45 rpm above an eel ridden river, is the type of problem you should try to anticipate before jumping. Once you start using longer ropes and higher launch points, the forces involved become much greater – wise lunatics always test the system with a full pack of gear rather than themselves. You may conclude, like most, that paying for a proper bungy jump instead will give just as good a thrill with a lot less hassle. If you haven’t got the skills needed for reasonably serious lead climbing then don’t even think about setting up a bridge swing. And by the way, this is illegal on public road and railway bridges.

The World’s Worst Tramp

The Kauaeranga Valley-Table Top tramp (in the North Island, east of Thames?) involves hard physical toil in unrelenting mud. This trip has no highlights, no rewards and no views. Your most poignant memory will be of returning to your car after about 8 hours of grovelling through mud. This track is so unpleasant and environmentally unsound that it hasn’t even been acknowledged on the new Topomaps. Walk up Kauaeranga Valley until you hit the track to Table Top and Mt Rowe. A long grovelly climb takes you to a mud-filled canal known as the Mt Rowe Table Top Track. A possible diversion is to slime your way up Mt Rowe (795m). Otherwise wade for 2 kilometres through a trench filled with mud and submerged logs. Eventually a track takes you back to the road via Wairoa Stream. If you want a view, take a ladder.

Maruia Falls (South Island)

Maruia Falls are beside Highway 65, about 15 kilometres south of Highway 6 and the Buller River. The rock shelf on the true right, a few metres from the edge of the falls, is a good place to leap from (if there is such a thing!). The true left side has logs recirculating in the pool at the bottom – don’t jump there unless you need a log enema. During your 10 metre fall, try to look out at the horizon rather than the water below. This helps to keep you feet first and your nose free of water. For a smooth entry into the water it’s important to keep your arms by your side, otherwise you risk injury and a difficult swim back. We recommend wearing a wetsuit and a well-fastened life jacket. Before jumping check that there are no logs or branches floating around the landing site. If you’re worried about safety don’t do it!

Buildering

Buildering is rock climbing on buildings. There are plenty of tricky little buildering problems to solve in the cities. Try traversing around a building a safe distance from the ground. Climbing higher on most buildings requires committing moves, odd shaped bits of climbing equipment, and an expedition style assault. Unfortunately, climbing all over the architectural features of a building is illegal unless you have the owner’s permission. If you don’t, and reaching the top of the building is your only objective, wear something you want to be photographed in and be prepared to pay a contribution to the running of our legal system. Breaking anything off a building can be lethal to others and if it is a foothold it’s likely to be lethal to yourself as well. Try not to leave black scrape marks all over the walls from your rock climbing boots. Keep an eye out for builderers, especially in the court reports. Nelson’s Column in London, Sydney’s Centrepoint Tower and even Wellington’s BNZ building have all been climbed by dedicated builderers.

Wharf Jumping

Next time you’re bored on a summer afternoon, try wharf jumping. It’s quite a simple activity really. First pick a good wharf – not too high, not too low and with no safety rails on the end. Days Bay in Wellington has a wharf that’s just right. Calmly cycle down to it and accelerate along its full length – don’t stop. If you’re still bored by the time you hit the water, see a psychiatrist. Don’t put your feet in the toe-clips (swimming with a bike isn’t easy) and clean your bike thoroughly afterwards or it’ll fall to bits.

The Cauldrons – Cape Kidnappers (North Island)

The Maraetotara River has carved a series of deep bowls in soft mudstone, which are great for sliding down. In summer the water is warm and material abounds for the inevitable slime fights. The Maraetotara River flows out to the coast near Cape Kidnappers, 20 kilometres southeast of Napier. The river crosses the road to Cape Kidnappers 300 metres past Te Awanga township. Park 800 metres past the river, next to a gravel road on the right. Wear old togs and walk 4 kilometres up the river from the road to this natural playground. This is private property, so ask the Neilson family of Summerlea Station in Clifton for permission: (06) 875 0350.

Submarine Walking

Step one: find a medium to large sized, slow-flowing, preferably warm river. Step two: invent a reason to need to cross it. Step three: select an aesthetically pleasing rock about one quarter of your (desired!) body weight. Place your mask and snorkel in the usual places. Step four: carry the rock into the river. Initially it requires a reasonable amount of strength to carry the boulder, but once you’re in the river it’s all up to balance. Although we have yet to try it, we believe it would be an interesting way to do the Department of Conservation’s Whanganui River Classic. Wear steel capped boots and watch out for jet boats.

Pillocking

Pillocking originated in 1991 near Havelock (at the top of the South Island) and, surprisingly, at the time of writing hadn’t managed to spread beyond this tranquil little town. It involves taking a rubbish bin lid down to the harbour’s mud flats during low tide. While holding the lid (preferably a large plastic one) on the mud in front of you, run as fast as possible and attempt to skim across the muddy flats. Obviously it can only be done during low tide; becoming incredibly muddy is an unavoidable bonus. The national title is held by a Havlockonian, for ‘pillocking’ an incredible 2.6 kilometres to a local shipwreck and back.